Anorexia and The Beautiful Child

My whole life I have been overweight. I eat for comfort. Food is my addiction - specifically carbs. I eat for comfort, and then I hate myself for it and eat some more. Once a friend announce at the school lunch table - 'You have a really small nose for a fat person'
I am 5'10" and I weigh about 222 pounds - not a candidate for gastric bypass but Vickys' Secret is lost on me - let me tell you. When I was thin I had to get a D cup in that place just to get it to fit around me - it was crazy.
These are my demons - chocolate and ice cream and cake and cookies - and they are my friends too. It’s all in my head – the fear of being seen in public as fat but yet that fear doesn’t make me exercise – it makes me eat and hide. I don’t hide as much as I used to but I hide. I won’t do aerobics – I am terrified – I can’t do the steps – I have two left feet and I literally have cried in the privacy of my own home when I couldn’t follow the video – I was ALONE – who the hell could see me ? But the pain and embarrassment of being unable to follow the video like ‘normal’ people was unbearable and I cried. I tried yoga – because I thought it was slow – wrong –I got in the move fast type of class – cried there too – but a friend witnessed it. Thank God she got pregnant and had no energy to go back to c lass – I didn’t have to worry about her trying to encourage me to put myself into that position again of being absolutely terrified because EVERYONE can see how awful and unworthy I am.
Because I am fat and I am uncoordinated and therefore worthless. In order to not be seen as worthless I must hide from activities that expose me. No exercise – someone might see me mess up. No buffets – someone will see me eat more than any human being should. And for public view – I must dress myself as well as I can afford to – which lead to a rather large addiction to shoes – you really have to be BIG to not fit into the current shoe trend – so my shoes could always be cutting edge and therefore I could hide the fact that I was fat with my awesome shoe collection.
And this is the psycho-drama of the fat chick. This is the story of the outcast who never fit in. This is how it is supposed to happen all is right with the world.

And then a few weeks ago I learned that my niece is not eating and purging when she does eat. She is physically beautiful by all accounts including the media standards - tall, long dark hair, perky boobies, clear skin, well defined cheekbones and jaw line. She wears the 'IT' clothes. Has the right phone, the Uggs, the forbidden thong undies. She is a track star and a straight ‘A’ student.
She has it all.
And her body is her enemy and food is its ally in the fight against her.
She thinks she is fat and ugly and vomits at the thought of putting food into her stomach. She had to turn away while I put butter on my popcorn at the movies last week
Except for Swedish Fish - she can hold those down for a couple hours - but she will have a panic attack trying to do it. She did at the movies - she later purged at home.

Flash back to Thanksgiving last year - and her mother is harassing her to eat but she says she doesn't feel well. Her mother claims loudly to the family that she is anorexic and isn't eating and being stupid. I figured my sister-in-law was over-reacting - which is a common theme in the family. So I cornered niece and said - so what is the scoop - you not eating? Are you puking your food up or are you really not feeling well?
The answer - I am really not feeling well. So I pushed - Then why does your Mom think you have anorexia? She then told me she was having issues but that she was over it.
OK - I took her shopping the next week and she ate and did not purge - had a friend with me who always needed to use the ladies room at the same time niece did just in case. A spy - I am not proud - but I was concerned.
Get to this year and its back with a vengeance - kid lost 17 pounds in a month. She is a size small to begin with.
She told me she was OK for awhile after last Thanksgiving and then over the summer she just spiraled into the purging
School got involved somehow, she hasn't told me what happened to get them involved. There was an incident where her other aunt was watching her for a week while her parents were away on vacation - this aunt is a functioning alcoholic. While I am sure her parents needed a break - I am not sure about the wisdom behind leaving a child with a psychological disorder alone with an alcoholic. Discussions about this may have increased the schools involvment.
At one point my niece passed out coming down the stairs in her house and the knot on her head caused the school to send a social worker to her home to confirm that abuse was not an issue.
I digress
My niece is at an in patient treatment program but I am worried -
My sister in law seems to see this as a magic bullet - four weeks and all is fixed - nice neat package. That is not how this works - it can be a lifelong thing -dealing with your demons.
Apparently my niece asked her father to bring some of her friends up to visit her - he said yes out of fear of causing a 'setback' or something. But my sister in law feels that this is not good - that the place is a hospital and not a 'fun' place. She says that the treatment should not be 'fun' - that her daughter needs to get back to 'real' life and deal. She said that my niece is happy because no one is yelling at her at the center. I know that my in-laws method of dealing with anything is to yell until the offender submits. The amateur psychologist in me wonders if this is part of the problem with the girl. Remember the scene at Thanksgiving I mentioned
above? The group meeting didn't go over with my sister in law - she felt it was just all the families 'complaining' about what is happening to them and she doesn't want to do that. She and her husband discussed and said that if these weekly meetings are mandatory - they will go every other week. Oh, OK - glad to see you have a grasp on the meaning of the word 'mandatory'.
She has said that they will not visit her every day - because they want her to be unhappy about being alone and away from her things. They won’t bring her many of her things from home in an effort to reinforce that she is not to ‘enjoy’ the stay at ‘rehab’. Is it really rehab? I am not sure I like this label either.
I feel like they are trying to punish the girl with this line of thinking.
I will try to be there for my sister in law as I know she doesn't have anyone else to talk to - she doesn't want her friends to know and she is keeping this all from her mother. But I can see already that I am going to disagree with her thought process - See what I am saying here is that I see a whole 'Snap out of it' mentality and I know that people don't just snap out of mental illness - which by and large is what I believe is behind anorexia no matter how you slice it. And I know that many experts agree with me.

I will be visiting my niece probably next Saturday (The family group is for immediate family only). My personal opinion is that she needed a week away from the family drama with the exception of what the doctors wanted the family brought in on to get acclimated to treatment.

I think I should encourage my niece to journal her feelings and talk about them with her doctors or me or her friends or family - that is what I did when I was in treatment for depression and GAD. I gave her a journal to do that - I hope she took it with her to the hospital - but I don't know.
I also bought her a copy of Operation Beautiful - it seems to be a very positive message so I think it wouldn't be counter productive for her. But I think I should check that out with a doctor.

She is so beautiful, physically and otherwise - I just can't believe this is happening to her -my heart breaks for her.
I guess the people we think who have it all are really just as frightened as the rest of us - maybe more because maybe they know we think they have it all and the pressure is too much to bear.....

Night of 1,000 Stevies

I attended the 20th Annual Night of 1,000 Stevies on Friday May 14th at The Highline Ballroom in New York City. This is considered THE Stevie Nicks fan event. I had never heard of it and that was pretty odd to me since I am a Stevie fan from way back. But then again I have also lost myself in the drama of life and really being a Stevie fan had dropped down below things like staying healthy, seeing relatives often enough to stop them from saying that I don't love them anymore and also keeping my job in this economy. So how did I find out? One day I was channel surfing and came across this movie called Gypsy 83. In the movie the main characters goes to the Night of 1,000 Stevies in search of her mother and herself. So after the movie for giggles I looked it up on the Internet and sure enough this was a real thing. And I missed it for that year already. Yay for me (sarcasm). So I made a point of planning to go to the next year. So I did some research. It seems that you are supposed to dress like Stevie and also make some effort at following the years theme. This year the theme was Sisters of the Moon - a song off the Tusk album. I spent a good deal of time trying to create my costume - a feat in and of itself since I can't really sew. Fortunately my good friend can sew and helped me out quite a bit. I chose a picture of Stevie from her website - The Nicks Fix - and modeled my outfit after that. Of course it is not perfect see aforementioned sewing issues and then there is the small fact that my clothing budget is not anywhere near Stevie's budget! The other thing I learned that I didn't know is that 'The Gays' ,as Kathy Griffin refers to our boys who like other boys, Love, Love, Love Stevie! It seems that this event is hugely popular in the gay community and specifically with drag queens. I thought 'This is great, this is going to be the most fun I have had since college. *sigh* College was 20 some years ago - I lead a dull life! Anyway - back to the costume - now knowing that I am going to be surrounded by men who make a living looking like women on top of my sewing and budget issues I really started to sweat. I really didn't want to look bad you know I wanted to fit in as a true Stevie fan. If my costume was crap I figured it would be a sure bet that Stevie herself would appear for the first time at this event and take a look at me and just laugh. OK, I am being dramatic - but you get the picture - I was nervous and wanted to look at least passable. I didn't want to be laughed at by all the drag queens you know? I mean how embarrassing, right? So off I went in search of a top hat, some lace and a tambourine..... Well, as it turns out I don't think I did half bad. Taking into account all my fears and issues I still got a lot of compliments while at the show. So that made me smile. I caught a tambourine - YAY I never catch anything! This great couple, Dick and Paul let my friend and I sit with them when our feet were about to fall off. The acts were great - one coming from England to perform. The acts consisted of a mix of burlesque, drag show and concert. There was lip syncing and actual singing as well as interpretive dance. If you like Stevie and like a good time I would recommend you go next year. But I will recommend the following Wear cotton - get flowing COTTON skits and Gauzy COTTON tops - it gets hot and I know Stevie is all about the silk chiffon and lace - but it gets HOT and you will melt - I did. Also - wear flats - I did, I felt like a fraud and then I noticed that most of the regulars were split into two groups - those whose feet hurt like hell and those who wore flats. Here are the photos that I took - hope you laugh and smile and think about going next year Peace!

Salt Air

Well – it’s been awhile. But no one noticed so who cares! HAH!
So – salt air. What is that about? It’s very hard to describe to someone who has not experienced it. Salt air is just different from other air. First of all its moist so there is no dried out sinus headache when you are at the beach. The smell is alternately cool and warm. Cool, reminiscent of snow or ice but warm like the sand under your feet after just a couple hours of the sun on it.
I never knew what it was all about when I lived at the beach. But now I appreciate it so much more.
Now that I do not live at the beach anymore – when I go back there the air provides a sense of calm that I don’t get anywhere else. I can tell you right when I smell it – it’s when I am about one hour from my final destination. At that point in my journey to the beach I am on a highway that is built right over the back bays and marshes. The ocean itself is ten miles or less to my left and the water around me is actually brackish – not salt. But it is enough to make a subtle change in the air. This is when the calm starts. This is when I start breathing a little easier than I do during the everyday rat race that is my life. And when I finally arrive at my destination the transition of the air is complete. I get out of the car and always take a deep breath. I’ve heard this kind of breath referred to as a cleansing breath. I do this unconsciously now. This is the time that I feel it – a completely warm, cashmere blanket soft, calm wash over my entire being.
I feel safe.
I wish I could tell you that it lasts, but in a few short seconds I will walk into my parents home and well – like everyone there is drama in the family.
But for a second, it's safe.

PuppyButt