Self-Malevolence

There are times, some dark moments,

When I cannot tolerate me.

I long to howl,

Wail,

Until the force of the sound

Shreds me into a million pieces.

I rail against myself.

Fuming and burning at all that should have been.

All that is not.

Desiring to plunge a fist into my chest,

Liberating my beating heart from its cage.

Observing its agony for a brief second,

Then, crushing it, watching the blood drip

And pool about my feet.

Maybe then I would not feel this anymore.

This emotional chaos.

I am the sum of all the fears

Fed to me in my lifetime.

A steady diet of ‘You can't.’

Until, with absolute certainty,

I knew that I couldn't.

And now I see that I should have.

I could have.

But exactly how, at this point,

Do I learn to live?

And so I wallow.

Stuck in a quicksand that has consumed,

Swallowed, my life.

Sucking down, deeper

Until just fingertips break the surface now,

Straining,

Trying to keep a grip on my sanity.

Neptune

Everyone stays in the shallows,

Where the wavelets break gently around ankles.

Or maybe, some might dare to go

Deep enough to feel just the slightest hint of the

Energy held within the murky depths –

But only so far – so as to not suffer any serious damage.

Just a small mark that quickly disappears

Having hardly been noticed at all.

Never venture forth beyond the breakers,

The current is swift and dangerous there.

What really lives there?

No one wants to know that those waters might contain

An ugliness, unbearable to view.

Something cold and hard

And not at all smooth.

A cacophony of sensations,

Are trapped deep in this ocean

A feeling nearly indescribable,

Except as powerful,

With deadly sharp debris.
Frightening whitecaps,

Each one fighting to come to shore and expose

The true nature of the beasts within.
Having been held back, in spite of their violence,
For time and memorial by a chemical bulkhead.

Protecting the delicate shoreline all around.

Like the vampire not invited in,

This surge is not invited out.

Releasing the force contained within this rolling sea

Would bring a destruction of all held onto as safe and true.

Especially crushing to those lurking on the edges

Behind smiling façades for so many years.

Feigning acceptance of that which they do not comprehend.

Loving only the simple calm lapping of rippling water,

Blind to the potential annihilation.

Their devastation would be complete. 

Hot Pink Wedge of Death

Bathroom before bed and what do my poor tired eyes behold?

SPIDER!!!!!

Black, nickel sized and FAST!!

I tried sneaking up on it.  It moved at the freaking speed of light.  If it stayed still I might have tried to save it.  Put it outside.  But the movement, that was definitely an act of war.  So I accepted the challenge.

My body involuntarily began to River Dance and funny, squeaky noises came from my mouth.

Then I became still but for the flash of my arm bringing down the ‘Hot Pink Wedge of Death’ upon the creepy little thing.

Why do I break into River Dance before arachnicide?  And the squeaky noise?  What is up with that?

Not very stealthy – but weirdly effective.

Rest in peace my worthy adversary – you tried – but I have thumbs.

And hot pink wedges.

P.S. – Sorry.  I know spiders are good but they scare the shit out of me. :s