Fear

Awake, but was I ever asleep?
Am I always asleep?
My breathing is quick but shallow
I am not able to draw in deeply without pain.
Like something binds my very core.
There is something stuck in my throat,
I think it is a scream.
The beating of my heart is like torrential rainfall.
I hear it and feel it at the same time.
I don't know what is more intense,
The sound, or the tactile sensation in my chest.
My eyes are dry and feel too large for their sockets.
I blink rapidly for relief, but this is in vain.
I instantly return to the wide open stare of a frightened deer.
Trying to see through the pitch black night.
And the shaking,
The trembling,
As if there is an arctic chill.
And there isn't, I know because I am soaked with sweat.
So I try again to breathe, so odd.
I know I am breathing because I have not passed out.
Why can't I pass out?
I wish I could just fade to black.
But I won't, can't.
I must move, it is expected and required.
THIS does not happen to the likes of me.
Soon.
I have taken enough breaths that I begin to feel a small difference in my chest.
Miniscule.
As if the invisible binding  is loosening just a bit.
Minor stretching of tight leather bonds.
I can move , the incessant pounding in my chest slows to butterflies,
Softly fluttering around - just tickling my insides.
I need to get through this,
Whatever THIS is
What is in the center of my brain that causes THIS?
THIS violent reaction today?
Many days? 
But not every day.
No rational reason apparent.
I must know.
I'm sure I know.
But yet I don't want to know.  Or do I ?  I don' know.
So.
I am weak because I do not face the monster.
Or strong because I beat it back down regularly?
And am I a fool for the fight?
Where could I have gone if not for the constant fight?
Constant fighting with me.
Wonder if I will ever know.