Hate

Sometimes I can't stand being me.
I want to scream until I shred into a million pieces.
I want to beat myself to a pulp.
Plunge my fist into my chest and pull my beating heart out
I cannot explain how unhappy I am with just words
Mere words
They are just black smudges on a page of white
There isn't a word for this pain
This endless empty chasm that is my soul.
My mind is devoid of anything intellectual to say to you.
It is so small.
But so full of everything that is wrong with me
I am the sum of all the fears fed to me all my life.
Fed a steady diet of you can't
Until I knew with certainty that I couldn't
And now I see that I should have
But I don't know how - and so I wallow
Stuck in the quicksand that has consumed my life
sucking down and down
Only a finger above the surface now