For The Benefit of Those I Love

Wound tightly
Into myself.
A small, hard ball
Trying to be impenetrable.
Put up the wall,
No one wants to see.
Make sure to be easy.
Successful on most days,
By default.
Everyone sees what they
Believe.
Lofty thoughts of the real me.
Convinced they see through
Whatever shroud is there
Certain its made from a diaphanous gauze.
Thinking they know
The conscious thing inside.
They are blind to the true opacity,
Of the depth of the barrier,
So carefully constructed.
There is a fearsome darkness
On the other side.
A formidable storm of emotions,
Battled each waking moment.
Again and again I find
I am temporarily paralyzed
By a terror without name.
Drawing from some place inside
I move on.
I must.
Presenting the cheerful mask.
Often its an illusory veil.
Just a facade.
For your well being.

The Last Rung

I'm sorry
You think it's words
Manipulation
Letters strung together
No meaning
Manipulation
It's not
But I can't be the one
To explain
No feeling, EVERY feeling
It's everything
I can't express
I'm sorry
I'm not what I used to be
Every excuse
To stay away from me
You find each one
Every time
I'm sorry
I don't know
When I failed
I'm always at the bottom
I can't grasp the ladder
Anymore