Broken

I am broken.
Yes, its true.
I am broken.
How 'bout you?
I am open
A book for all to see
Everybody can get in
Please don't trample me.
Foolish dreamer
That's how the song goes
Its what so many see
I'm left with nightmares
Every waking hour
The Alpha dogs gnawing
At my flesh, my soul
Piece by piece, to the bone
There are no words
For the pain of words.
Like alcohol raining down
Over razor cuts
Criss crossing my skin
Bubbling burning churning.
Stop! 
Lock it up.
Just let it go.
Its not personal.
Oh no? 
Well, I think so.
You know some only feel
Satisfaction in the crush
Of something beneath their feet
And I feel the pieces
Shatter 
And they scatter.
In the wind.
Well, thats just me,
Take it all in
Until the cracks seap.
And that's just them
Dishing their sin.
With a grotesque grin
Plausible deniability.
Willfully ignorant.
Duplicity
Multiplicity
But everyone can see. 
Now I know
I am just a stepping stone
Insidious little megalomaniacs
So sure of themselves
Tiny tin Gods
Building castles of sand
Its a temporary reign
I dont think they know
The tide is coming in

Yes, its true.

I am broken.

How 'bout you?

I am open

A book for all to see

Everybody can get in

Please don't trample me.

Foolish dreamer

That's how the song goes

Its what so many see

I'm left with nightmares

Every waking hour

The Alpha dogs gnawing

At my flesh, my soul

Piece by piece, to the bone

There are no words

For the pain of words.

Like alcohol raining down

Over razor cuts

Criss crossing my skin

Bubbling burning churning.

Stop!

Lock it up.

Just let it go.

Its not personal.

Oh no?

Well, I think so.

You know some only feel

Satisfaction in the crush

Of something beneath their feet

And I feel the pieces

Shatter

And they scatter.

In the wind.

Well, thats just me,

Take it all in

Until the cracks seap.

And that's just them

Dishing their sin.

With a grotesque grin

Plausible deniability.

Willfully ignorant.

Duplicity

Multiplicity

But everyone can see.

Now I know

I am just a stepping stone

Insidious little megalomaniacs

So sure of themselves

Tiny tin Gods

Building castles of sand

Its a temporary reign

I dont think they know

The tide is coming in

Awareness

Not enough.
Never enough.
Always there to tell me so
Tell me what I would do if only I was true.
But gotta take it with a smile.
That's what is expected.
After all - there were terrible trials endured,
Unimaginable fires survived
Leaving invisible scars on the psyche
Extreme reactions are to be understood
Allowed.
This I should not forget
For time and memorial I should not forget
I never did, each word, each photo
Chosen with the greatest of care
Reaching past, around, through,
All the delicate threads of reason
Barely connecting the pieces of a mind
So delicate.
I twisted and turned and bent,
'Til I felt only pain. 
Strained,
So drained,
From the effort to refrain from respectful expression
Of my own thoughts
In deference to the supposed pain of another
Denied freedom for fear of cracking, crushing
Crumbling a soul
But
Its NOT enough, never enough, love for some.
Nothing is ever enough
And they are always there to let you know
That they were always kind
Well kindness isn't so very
When it dangles above your head like a blade
Sharpened to a razors egde
Ready to slice to the bone
For any perceived offense
Abused, used and refused
Character is in question

Fourteen to Twenty-One Days

Fourteen to twenty-one days
And I will be OK.
I will play the game,
Be what everyone wants me to be.
Expects me to be.
Quiet and Calm.
Easy.
Everyone will be pleased.
I will do what I am supposed to,
For as long as I have to.
I will leave the house again
Without feeling like my heart
May burst.
I wont cry.
In fourteen to twenty-one days
I will be OK.
I wont feel anything, again.
But everyone will feel better.
They can count on me again.
In fourteen to twenty-one days
I wont be able to feel
A thing.
Fourteen to twenty-one days
And I will be OK.
Just play the game.
Fourteen to twenty-one days
Everything is grey.
Bit of a shame.
Fourteen to twenty-one days
Hoped for another way.
Cant bear the blame.
Fourteen to twenty-one days
Shutting out the fray.
Obliterate the melee,
Extinguish the flame.
Fourteen to twenty-one days
The penalty I pay
For the benefit of others.

Imperfect

Love is the way.
But sometimes I do stray.
Try as I might,
Every single day
I am not so shiny.
I am not so bright.
I don't intend to hurt someone.
But sometimes I might.
There are days I struggle to fight,
An inner spite.
When I see some injustice
I know that I don't really have the right,
But I get the urge to fight.
My anger does come out.
I may shout.
I may pout.
Sometimes I don't arrive at a better way.
But in my heart, at the end of the day
Please know my goal is always
Peace and love.
I hope you understand
That I'm not perfect,
Though I do try,
There are days that I may fail in the eyes of some.
There are days when
I won't always be so nice.
I think I win more than I lose,
But there are days when I will be fierce,
And maybe ugly too.
If I feel a need to protect you.

We Are All In This Together

I've been working on this for nearly eight hours. I am beat.  It was really hard to not just say 'F U  eccorazzi commentator you are just a mean girl!!!'
It not my finest work.  This could stand editing.  But I just want to talk about what I felt and took from the Cosmo interview and what I felt about a couple key comments in the ecorazzi commentary. I want to do it now. 
As always - my grammar is suspect and honestly, I don't care.  I think you can still get the gist of my feelings on the topic.
I don't think I have to say this but just in case its not clear my comments below - I don't think vegans are horrible judgmental people, I think some people who are vegan have judged people and that is part of why I identify with what Nikki Reed said in the Cosmo interview and find the commentary from ecorazzi rather off putting.  
That said - please go read both and make your own decisions about the interview and the commentary.  Expand your mind
*  
All the drama that is generated when a discussion about ones views on being 'vegan' or not can be exhausting. It is fraught with emotion. It can be as contentious as politics or religion should you choose to talk about consuming or not consuming animal products (eating or using them in any way). 
I am not a vegan or even a vegetarian. 
I do eat meat and dairy and I do use leather. 
I am aware of the environmental impact on the planet.  I am aware of the horrific practices involved in factory farming.
I am not indifferent to them.
I am making adjustments to my life - but I am not fully converted away from using animal products.  I don't know if I ever will be.
I am not providing that information either proudly or ashamedly. 
I am simply stating a truth about ME.
And I believe that is what Nikki Reed did when she was interviewed by Cosmo about her handbag collection for Freedom of Animals. 
See Cosmopolitan.com for an article entitled "NIKKI REED THINKS VEGANS ARE SCARY" 
Uh, sensationalism much Cosmo?  I certainly read that one. 
But, I didn't read it because of the headline.  I read it because I think Nikki Reed as an extremely bright young woman and I have found that I frequently appreciate her thoughts on various topics. 
Unfortunately, I bet some people read it strictly because of the headline.  I would bet there were people all set for battle, ready to hand Ms. Reed her head on a platter. 
I hope they read the whole thing and took from it what I did. 
That Nikki Reed thinks its OK to not be perfect and that we shouldn't allow people who take an extreme view of how to protect animals or the environment to criticize us into paralysis.  That we should continue to do what we can every day because it does matter.


In addition to having read that interview I found a commentary on this interview on the website, eccorazzi.com. 
The title of that commentary is 'NIKKI REED THINKS VEGANS ARE "EXTREMISTS" BUT STILL WANTS YOU TO BUY HER VEGAN BAGS'
Wow - let me tell you this lady who wrote the commentary was not at all happy about Ms. Reeds personal beliefs. 
Her take on the interview is decidedly negative and I think that is a shame.  Because I think negativity is a motivation killer.
What I take from the commentary on ecorazzi is that the writer is not satisfied with Nikki Reed's efforts to make a positive impact on the planet, primarily because Ms. Reed is not vegan.  Also her thoughts, expressed in the interview, on water conservation do not meet the commentators standards.  
Every explanation Ms. Reed provides in the interview as to why she is not vegan is deemed an attack against vegans as a whole by the commentator.  Additionally, the commentator takes the position that because Ms. Reed is not a vegan "Its completely absurd to push for sustainability, while setting animal activism back."


And that's when my head exploded...


Let's start with the headline from the Cosmo interview:
"...unfortunately, the vegan community, in a lot of ways, has actually scared people away."
So, I guess that's where the headline came from.
She also says that "The vegan community, at times, can be very strict..."
I happen to agree with those statements.
In some ways the vegan community can be scary.  At times they can be very strict. 
The bolded are the same words that are attributed to Nikki Reed - those say to me that the statement is not attributed to a community as a whole but some of it at some times.
I think that there are people who become so passionate about a belief that they express that passion in a way that is off putting and even alarming to others.  These people can set requirements that others find impossible to meet. 
I have a personal experience as to why I think this, specifically as it relates to some vegans.  I have been surrounded by people I would call 'scary vegans'.  I attended The People's Climate March in 2014.  My friend and I were separated from the people we came with and ended up entering the march with a large faction of vegans.  The overwhelming majority of the people in our immediate area were adopting what I felt was a very intimidating posture while trying to spread their message.  They were displaying their anger and frustration in a manner that was frightening to me.  We were whispering that we felt we might be accosted, at least verbally and maybe physically, should any of the people in our immediate area learn that we were not vegan.  Based on the way the people in our immediate are were expressing their fervor for veganism we felt that was a possibility.  My friend and I purposely picked up our pace to get away from them and march with the clean energy peeps instead.  That's so sad isn't it?  Why can't we all get along- our goals are the same - Save the planet.
Now this is where I will tell you that I know for a fact that all vegans DO NOT behave this way.  Just like all meat eaters don't trash talk vegans.  Its like I was saying above - I think that sometimes a persons passion can manifest in a way that can be frightening to others.
I have some amazing friends who are vegan and they accept me as is.  That is not to say that they don't make efforts to educate me regarding veganism.  They do and I appreciate, respect and love them for it.   


In the commentary on ecorazzi.com there were a lot of statements that I guess you could say I found inflammatory.  That's probably the point of commentary - to get people all pissed off and thinking and talking.  So ultimately, even though I was annoyed, that isn't a bad thing.
I'm going to pick out a couple things that struck me and talk about what I think -


It started off saying that what Ms. Reed was doing was 'publicizing her anti-vegan verbal diarrhea...', that she is simply '...trying to get in the wallets of vegans..."   
>.<
Can I just say I hate the phrase 'verbal diarrhea'  Its something that was said to me as a child to shut me up, to let me know that my opinion was, well, shit.  That what I had to say was of no consequence and no one gave a fuck about it.  Its degrading to have your thoughts and feelings referred to in such a manner.  Bottom line, its mean.
As far as the money statement.  I feel like it implies some collusion on the part of Freedom of Animals and Nikki Reed to pull the wool over the eyes of some unsuspecting vegans.  Its a true statement that the bags are vegan.  I would expect that a vegan product appeals to vegans. People have a right to make a living and if they are not lying about the product I fail to see the problem. 


Further in I see the statement that many 'textbook non-vegan insults' are used by Ms. Reed.  As back up the following is quoted from the Cosmo interview:
'She calls vegans "little armies of extremists that feel like they need to isolate everybody else for not doing what they consider enough or perfection."


The commentator essentially accuses Ms. Reed of bullying vegans, in my opinion.  When I read the entire response from the interview that includes the above sentence fragment I don't feel that is what is going on at all.
Extremists exist in many factions of life, politics, religion, carnivores and even vegans.  But saying that extremists exist doesn't mean that you believe everyone who practices a particular religion, belongs to a particular political party or chooses to be vegan is an extremist.  Ms. Reed comments further along in the interview that she has seen people attacked on social media for stating that they are practicing a Meatless Monday.  I've seen it too and I don't get it. Attacked, ridiculed and shamed because making that small step isn't enough to some folks.  I think it is reasonable to refer to people who would verbally attack others for not subscribing strictly enough to a particular set of principles extremists.  I think that is the type of behavior that Ms. Reed is commenting about. 
I agree with her - ridiculing people is no way to get people on board with your plans.  It takes a village and all that right? 
Later in the commentary another quote from the interview is used and discussed:
"From her perspective, 'waking up in the morning and deciding to just turn off your water when you're brushing your teeth and saving those two minutes of water is pretty fucking cool.'  That's the sort of water conservation advise I'd expect from Captain Planet."


OK this really pissed me off.  I think Captain Planet is pretty cool myself but I feel that in this case the comparison is being used as an insult.  (Its not the first time I've seen this particular idea ridiculed recently either.  Which is another reason why I  got so angry and why I am selecting it to talk about here)  The commentary does go on to talk about some very true and harsh realities concerning the water requirements of livestock and also deforestation related to cattle ranching and the necessity of both in order to make leather.  These true statements are presented as an admonishment to Ms. Reed for her use of leather.  The implication seems to be that Ms. Reed is ignorant of the impact using animal products has on the planet.  I am positive that Nikki Reed is not ignorant of those facts.  I think its important to see the whole quote.
The quote as presented in the commentary is only a portion of a response to a prompt from the interviewer.  I want to supply both the prompt and a bit more of Ms. Reed's response.
The interviewer's prompt is:
 "It's easy to get overwhelmed by the totality of something like veganism, but if being a vegan is one of the best things you can do for the environment, then, from an ecological standpoint, incorporating aspects of veganism into certain parts of your life is certainly better than doing nothing at all."
The first part of Ms. Reed's response to that:
"Its so intimidating.  People get scared and they do nothing, so I'm trying to teach young people that waking up in the morning and deciding to just turn off your water when you're brushing your teeth and saving those two minutes of water is pretty fucking cool."


What I understand here when I read the portion of the quote used in the commentary in context with the rest of Ms. Reeds statement is not just a naïve comment seeming to imply that 'hey if you just turn off the water then YAY we are saving the planet, mission accomplished.'
I think it does sound like something Captain Planet might say.  I think that might be because this particular message that Ms. Reed wants to spread, is aimed specifically at young people. Sort of the whole philosophy behind Captain Planet, speak to the youth about saving the planet.  (Why don't we have Captain Planet anymore?).
While the concerns over the water needed to raise livestock and the deforestation that can happen in order to raise livestock are valid - those concepts may be lost on a child.  But if you start small, with a message to turn off the water while brushing your teeth?  Well then you are empowering a child with the knowledge that they can do something, all by themselves, to help the environment. You can build on that message and create a desire in the youth to learn and do more.  Then you can hit the kid up with more information and more suggestions on how they can make an impact.  Scare the crap out of them right out of the gate with a whole lot of horror and you just may lose the little human. 


From what I took from the interview and the commentary I read is that Nikki Reed choses to be honest about her beliefs, her lifestyle and anything that others might call faults. And for it she is lambasted. 
But you know what?  If she chose to hide behind plausible deniability as to her lifestyle we would be tearing her apart for that instead.  Because you can't please everyone but you can piss everyone off fairly easily - usually just by being yourself.


Nikki Reed advocates for everyone to do what they can.  She is advocating inclusion of ALL.  Not exclusion of some because they aren't doing it ALL.   She is asking people to make choices, where they can. 
What the hell is wrong with that? 
At the beginning I told you my head exploded because of the statement:
"Its completely absurd to push for sustainability, while setting animal activism back."


It is not absurd to advocate for sustainability and you are not setting animal activism back simply because you are not vegan.  That's ridiculous and I think making those statements does alienate people who otherwise might like to learn about veganism.  Its equally ridiculous to apply that logic to someone who heats their home with natural gas instead of solar or wind.  The cost to convert is out of reach to many.  But the cost of a timed thermostat to regulate the temperature in your home and save energy?  That's more attainable to many and if someone does that, because THAT is what they can do to help, how can you ridicule that effort and look at yourself in the mirror?
Every little thing we do to lessen our carbon foot print is a good thing.  And you NEED to do those things, the planet is counting on you.  Its counting on all of us, we are in it together.


Epilogue - 'Cause you know -this was like a book so it needs one...
Regarding Meatless Monday?  I think it is a great concept and an excellent way to introduce people to the idea that every meal doesn't have to contain meat.  The effort may be small, but it is something.  You know; if you win a whole bunch of small prizes at the carnival you can trade them in for one large.  Why would you ever discount the smalls?  Ridicule someone for only achieving a small?  Maybe, if you keep encouraging the person making the smalls, they will eventually make a medium and maybe even a stand alone large.  But when you keep ridiculing people - sometimes they work harder to prove you wrong.  And sometimes they give up. 



































 













 







 



 




 

Whispers

It’s just a whisper. 

A small sound

Not a discernable word.

Accompanied by nervous glances

And unsure smiles.

Wasn’t supposed to be anything at all.

Some need created this proximity.

Some function joining companions,

For practical purposes.

A previously unknown tempest

Was lurking in the atmosphere.

It was just a whisper.

The lightest of touch.

Fingers ghosting over bare skin,

An arm.

A shoulder.

Fingers slipping through hair,

Just so; barely even there.

Just a casual touch.

Nothing really,

It’s nothing at all.

It’s just a touch, or three.

Born of a mundane task.

Something not relevant

In any other way.

There is a squall on the horizon.

It was just a whisper,

A tactile murmur.

An unnecessary connection

Becoming a requirement.

Time ticks by,

Distressingly slowly. 

The air thickens with each tap

Of the second hand.

An insistent but still unclear thought

Niggling at,

Tormenting, their brains.

An electric charge in the ozone.

Extremities seem unclear of

Boundaries.

Gently, delicately, interfering with

Each other.

Small smiles and glances  

Speaking silent apologies after

Each contact.

A blush appears upon pale skin,

Occasionally at first.

Then constant.

On each of them.

So pretty, the palest of pinks

“If I could just touch that…”

It was just a whisper,

In one of their minds.

In both of their minds.

A storm surge threatens.

Excruciatingly slowly,

An unnamed urgency

Is making its presence known.

Breaths come just a little

More quickly.

Words remain unspoken.

Yet clearly stated,

Agonizing truths are exchanged,

In just a look.

Neither can turn away now.

A smoldering gaze

Held in resounding silence,

For some immeasurable amount of time.

Like opposing forces tired of fighting

The pieces are drawn together slowly,

A beautifully, painfully reluctant migration.

Averse to the inevitable,

But unable to prevent it.

Breath mingling together.

First cool, then hot.

First moderate and deep,

Now rapid and shallow.

Souls seeking a connection

But warring against it.

It was just a whisper,

Now a caterwauling symphony

Between these two.

Desperate to be heard.

But still terrified of the consequences

Of such a powerful thing.

Intense silence broken only by

Short, soft breaths.

Restraint fades into the enveloping darkness.

Lips crash together like waves

To the shore.

With just a whisper

They agree to drown together.