Dear Niece:
Today you scared the hell out of me.
I realized you were home from the hospital and sent you an email through Facebook.
You responded that you wished you were still in the hospital.
Then we started chatting so it was easier to ‘talk’
You said you hated it at home. You said your parents were yelling at you.
This comment made me wonder if your parents were still having issues understanding your illness. It made me wonder if they were yelling at you to eat.
So I asked if you were using your coping skills to keep the conversation going with your Mom when you disagreed rather than closing up.
You said no, because everything you say is wrong. You said your Dad told you that and also that you were causing your mother anxiety.
Then you said you wished your anorexia had killed you.
Then you said that you didn’t deserve to live.
Then you stopped chatting. Regardless of my asking if you were crying or explained that I was going to need to call the house to check on you if I didn’t get a response.
And you didn’t answer your phone
And your Mom didn’t answer her cell phone
And no one in your house answered the house phone
Then you didn’t answer your phone again
Then, finally, you did answer your phone.
I asked you what you were trying to do. You said ‘Nothing’
I said that you can’t do that – make statements regarding the end of your life and then cut off communication.
You said your Mom had come into your room and was ‘staring’ at you.
I told you we could talk later and that I love you.
I haven’t heard from you since.
I have heard from your Mom.
I have her version of the ‘yelling’. You won’t give me yours. I think I know why, want to hear it?
Let’s see – First the ‘Yelling’
Now you didn’t break your promise to me – you didn’t lie – she yelled at you. But you didn’t tell me why. Did you? Did you know I would assume that she was yelling at you to eat which I have said is not OK in my book? Or did you know that I would tell you that it is understandable for a Mom to tell you that you could not be on the phone all night? Did you know that I would tell you that your Mom absolutely has the right to take your phone away? Your Mom pays for it right?
She probably yelled about the trip to the movies with your boyfriend too. Your Mom says that you were supposed to go to the movies and then come home. She says that you were supposed to eat dinner by 6:30. But you came home at 7:00, not from the movies but from your boyfriends’ house. And you hadn’t eaten.
Let’s look at this situation from your Moms point of view.
You have only been home for two days after being in the hospital for what, nearly two months? You are trying to recover from anorexia and bulimia – at the core of these diseases is lying. Lying about what you eat and lying about what you purge so that you have control over it – but lying none the less. Your Mom bought a lot of these lies and saw her little girl almost die. And within 48 hours of being back home you lie about where you are going. Now you may not see it like that – because you went to the movies and THEN went to your boyfriends’ house. But you were supposed to come home after the movie – and you didn’t and you didn’t call her. Your Mom sees that as a precursor to lying about food and you getting sicker – it will panic her. Frankly, it is understandable that she would panic, regardless of what you think she does love you. She may not show it in the ways that you want – but she does love you.
You should know that I pointed out that it was a really good sign that you ate as soon as you came home, with no fuss.
I know you want to be trusted – but trust is earned – if you lie about your whereabouts your parents are going to worry about everything that comes out of your mouth – because they don’t want you to die. Believe it or not – its true, I am certain.
Apparently after one of the above two incidents you directed your Mom to ‘Leave if you are going to be a bitch’
Guess what? It’s not OK to call your Mom a bitch. It is especially not OK to call her a bitch when you are a teenager and living in her home. And that is what you did –you can try to spin it anyway you want – but if you said those words then you called her a bitch.
And on my planet – teenagers who call their Mom a bitch get yelled at. And their Dads have a right to tell teenagers who do this are disrespecting their mother and that it will not be tolerated.
You don’t have a right to lump these incidents into all the reasons you think you want to be dead.
But you did.
See we get to why your Dad says you are ‘wrong’ now. Your Dad was pissed at you for calling your Mom a bitch but also for saying that you should be dead or you wished you had died or some version of that sentiment to your mother when she was correcting you for the phone use, the lying or whatever. He told you that saying this causes your Mom to walk on eggshells didn’t he?
Yeah, well that is legitimate too Kiddo. You don’t get to threaten suicide every time you do something wrong and get reprimanded for it.
Just because you are sick doesn’t mean you don’t have to obey all the normal rules that pretty much every teenager has to obey. When teenagers disobey they get yelled at and grounded and all that fun stuff.
So let me repeat something I said to you a bit ago – I don’t think its OK for your parents to yell at you about your illness. Meaning I don’t think yelling at you to eat is productive. Generally – I don’t think yelling is productive. That is why I encourage you to not yell and to stay calm to help your parents understand where you are and what you really mean.
But I have to tell you – when you break rules you are going to get yelled at and I don’t disagree with that. And disregarding the late hour when on the telephone, not telling your parents where you will be – full disclosure, and calling your parents names are all breaking the rules.
And using your illness to get back at your parents for reprimanding you when you deserve it is really low. You are smart enough to know exactly what you are doing, this is me you are talking to so don’t even try it.
Your parents love you – you don’t think they show it the way you want them to. Then you have to help them get there.
You have said to me on more than one occasion that your Mom ignores you. Your Mom has said on more than one occasion that she would leave you alone when you went to your room because when she was your age – if she went to her room she wanted to be left alone. I believe your Mom because she has said it more than once – exactly the same way. When you make crap up the story changes ever so slightly each time it is repeated – not so when she says this.
Work with that information. Are you going to your room because you can no longer express yourself but you would really like your Mom to come to you to keep at it?
Is it because one or both of you are yelling and you just wish there was a five minute time out so that you could get back to finding an agreeable place?
(By the way – you won’t always agree and until you are an adult living on your own Mom trumps you – it’s a fact of life and we all went through it).
This is one area that I know of where you each see the same situation differently. It’s an opportunity to learn about each other.
There is one more thing that I need to say.
I think you manipulated me, or tried to, with the passive-aggressive suicide talk and then cutting out the chatting. Do you know someone just this week posted that they would be dead within a few hours and they were? No one on her friend list checked on her. They said she was often making statements like that they said so no one took her seriously. Look it up – its on MSNBC, she lived in Great Britain.
I think you tried to manipulate me with the non-disclosure on why your parents were giving you a hard time. I was incredibly frightened for you. I didn’t deserve that.
I will give you respect – please give it to me as well.
I’m wrong? OK – tell me about it.
I told you before I might not agree with you. It looks like this is one of those times, but above all I love you.
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